If the Internet had Existed: Star Wars

Here's a little thing I like to call "If the Internet had Existed", something I hope to revisit every so often in the future. The basic concept is that I write blogs and reviews for things from the past as if the Internet had existed back then. Just to make this absolutely clear: I don't write it from the perspective of someone today reviewing something from the past. I write it from the view of someone in the past writing is as someone would on the Internet of today. Still with me? Without further ado... my Star Wars Review.

Well, I’m back y’all and I’ve got news. I was lucky (or unlucky, depending on your point of view) enough to be part of the preview audience for an upcoming science-fiction movie called Star Wars. A WARNING to everyone: there are SPOILERS contained within. Now, mind you, I use the phrase “science-fiction” loosely. The Day the Earth Stood Still is science fiction. Invasion of the Body Snatchers is science fiction. 2001: A Space Odyssey is science fiction. Star Wars, despite the title, is not. It’s more like those Buck Rogers serials from the 1940’s? Remember those? Chances are most people want to forget them, which is exactly the problem with this movie. It’s 1977 for god’s sakes. No one wants to see stories of hotshots gallivanting around space with their “laser swords.” (Will somebody get Mr. Lucas a physicist? Light doesn’t just stop at a certain point!) People want to see movies about evolution and alien invasions. We want to see movies about giant bugs and nuclear radiation. If we wanted to get our fix of adventures with buckled swashes, we’d stick with pirate movies.

The Plot:

I’ll try not to spoil too much of the plot, not that it had very much of it. There is an evil empire set loose in a galaxy “far, far away” that is looking to create the ultimate doomsday weapon. A small gang of rebels are trying to smuggle out the plans for this weapon to find its ultimate weakness. The fate of the entire rebel movement lies on the shoulders of a young farmboy, an old mystical Samurai wannabe, and a gunrunning space pirate. Oh yeah…and they have to save the princess too. How original. Is it a bad plot? Of course not. It's just not very...new. In fact, I've seen it or some variation of it so many times before.

What worked:

1. The special effects were incredible. They have space battles better than…well…the're better than any movie I’ve ever seen. No paper plates with fishing line here, no sir. The space battles look real. And I mean real. The final sequence in the trenches of the “Death Star” is a sight to behold. 

2. I also enjoyed the performance of relative newcomer Harrison Ford (American Grafitti). His character, the space pirate, was both funny and very believable. I think that we might have a breakout star in this guy.

What didn't work:

So on to what I didn’t like. God…where do I start? 

1. The main character, Luke Skywalker played by freshface Mark Hamill. He has to be the whiniest protagonist I have ever seen put on film. You don’t want to root for the guy. You want to shut up his incessant whining. “But Uncle Owen…” It’s like nails on a blackboard I tell you. Which leads me to...

2. His sidekick, a robot named C3-PO. I bet the PO stands for Pissed Off because I can tell you that’s how people felt anytime he was on-screen. Is this the kind of thing that passes as comic relief because I can tell you that he was neither funny nor his appearance a relief. 

3. Alec Guiness (Bridge on the River Kwai). Why oh why did you decide to be involved in this obvious B movie? You are so much better than this!

4.  My final nitpick of the movie involves the music. Of course, we were given a temp track to listen to, so it might be an unfair evaluation. Taking a cue (pun intended) from Stanley Kubrick, Mr. Lucas decided to use a score of classical music. This just didn’t work for the movie. As if the movie wasn’t hokey enough, to see it played to Wagnerian opera was just too over-the-top. But maybe that’s what Lucas wanted. Maybe he really wanted this movie to be a farce. Somehow, I doubt it. I hear a rumor that John Williams might be scoring the movie. Maybe he’ll be able to spin some Jaws magic on the sucker. I still think he should go for my number one choice: Jerry Goldsmith. Now there is a good composer.

Anyway…to sum up. I predict that this movie will just come and go in the theater. I mean, there is a reason that the studios stopped making those sci-fi serials in the 1940’s. Audiences are just too sophisticated for that kind of story.  I mean, seriously. Laser swords? A mystical energy called “The Force?” It’ll never fly. If it's lucky, it may achieve cult status, though I pray that it doesn’t. The last thing the world needs is a sequel to this tripe. Here is a message to Mr. Lucas if you are reading this: Go back to doing stories about 50’s teens in diners. Or if you have to do Science-Fiction, at least do it right. I mean, you are the guy that did THX-1138 after all. Don't waste your time on this juvenile fairy tale.